so as many of u know, the past 2-3 weeks have been hard for me. losing not only a friend but someone who meant more to me than ever. its sad but hey, lifes not always fair. i cant be greedy nor can i control his choices. so the 13th of feb came and went. thats the day i told myself im gonna drop all his things off back to him at his house. i followed thru and did it all by myself. i asked some friends to come along for support but other issues came up that they needed to handle. with everything done and dropped off i felt good about myself, til i got the phone call that everything was back at my place sitting in the driveway. it kinda hurt me like a slap in the face but at the same time, i know i tried to reach out and fix things. im not hurting anymore and im not gonna cry over this anymore. i jus wanna thank ashley, pika and john jus to name a few that heard me out thru all this. i thank u guys for the support and with that said… this chapter is closed. i dont ask for much and i never will.. but i do ask to see him happy with the choices he makes and i do wish him the best. jus like i told him from day one. i dont care who u are with or what choices u make, long as u are happy, im happy for u. now this leads up to tonight when i read his tumblr. (the only one thing he didnt block me from) shhh! haha. no but seriously, to be honest… it kinda bothered me to know someone was assuming or spreading rumors about him. he doesnt deserve it at all. hes one of the most straight forward kinda guy i know. well most my friends are like that cuz we jus dont like dealing with bullshit and shit talking. i dont know what its about or who its about but its sad. if only me and howard still talked i would know what its about and oh lemme tell u…. u better watch it. thats jus one thing i hate more than anything else. it gets under my skin and i jus wanna beat the shit out of that person. all i know is jus be careful what u say and who u say stuff too, cuz it always finds its way back to that person.

here we go again… another over-dramatic reaction for nothing. i dont know why im putting up with this for so long now. i thought i would be happy but all im doing is hurting. say im jealous but for what? did u see the guys from your past? i rather be blind to be honest. i dont know what u want from me if its jus a rebound cuz of your ex or what but u know what, u need to learn how to act like an adult. time to grow up and see whats right in front of u. im not saying im the best there is out there but i know for a fact that u would have been way happier than u ever were with your ex. and i will say this, jus cuz your ex did u bad and treated u like this and that, that doesnt mean that u need to start acting like him too. u sound exactly like him now-a-days… EXACTLY. and the sad part of this whole thing is that im not the only one that sees it. so heads up… in the end, if u keep acting like this cuz your ex, u might lose all the people that care about u in your life. u are never happy or hardly smiling now… and if u do, its all a cover up. thats the whole reason why i cant get to know the real u. its all cover up jus like make-up on a ugly bitch. start fresh let the past go and move on. yah easy to say but u know what easy to do to if u jus let go. im not saying to forgive and forget but it happened already and theres nothing u can do to fix any of it. hello… HE MOVED ON!!! its like a slap in your face. dont u get it? why hold on to something thats fucked up and jus did u wrong all the time? do u think thats happiness. do u like to be juggled between all his boy toys. apparently yes, and its hella sad. so now it got to this point where i feel like i want no part of this emotional roller coaster that u put me on. i have nothing to prove and i dont need any chances… say i always fuck it up but u the only one that ever gets mad and when i wanna say something u jus cut me off. give me no time to say what i wanna or u jus choose not to talk about it anymore. i dont know what to say to u anymore, im burnt out from trying. so here it is again… theres some things ordered for u online and its too late to cancel, valentines day comes around it’ll be dropped off to your house. i dont need it to remind me of something that makes me sad all the time. u can do whatever u want with it. jus know i did it cuz i cared and for once i wanted u to be happy on a special day. hope one day u find happiness and one day learn to stop talking down on others. be nice for once and care about other peoples feelings. its really sad that it had to come to this point but what can i do… u pushed me too far. theres no point if trying if im the only one putting in all the effort.

looking up at the sky, wondering what’s really out there. getting lost in space and thoughts just running thru my head. thinking and looking back at the memories from this past weekend… i must say, it was very random and full of laughs. good company as always and people i will always cherish in life. without them i wouldn’t be who i am today. but as u know there’s always a downfall to every story. all weekend long i’ve been surrounded by couples, and yes even tho they are friends it just makes me think when will i ever be with someone again. yes i choose to be single and yes i had people tell me they wanna be with me in the past. not to be mean or anything but not everyone met my standards. no one really swept me off my feet yet and to be honest only ONE person has come really close to doing that. i think we started off rocky cuz he was still trying to figure out things with his ex. not pointing fingers but i feel that i wasnt given a fair chance to prove myself to u yet. everything i do seems so negative to u and i dont think u really see what there is that i have to offer. i think i took the risk of throwing myself out there not knowing what the outcome would be. risking my emotions and taking a chance i never took in a while. trying to find feelings for that “someone” again. hopefully one day u will see the other side of me and appreciate the little things i do for u jus to see a smile on your face. anywho, jus thought i spill whats on my mind… maybe now my HEADache and HEARTache will go away.

so fresh so clean.

waking up to a sky full of clouds, pouring rain and dark gloomy weather after a long night of emotions is very depressing. it doesnt help one bit but i can tell u this much, its a new day and i jus gotta move on. life is like mother nature, u never know whats gonna be thrown at u so u always gotta be prepared for the worst. no matter what comes our way we get thru it, even if it means we have to walk thru a puddle of water to get on the other side. in life its not as easy but if u try hard enough to get thru it, you’ll see that the outcome is worth it. it might not be the outcome u wanted but life is never fair. u jus have to deal with what u get and make the best out of it. theres no reason u should sit there and get all mad or bent out of shape because u want everything to happen your way. thats jus being plain ol’ selfish on your part. life is too short to be living like this… take a step back and enjoy what u have around u. take chances, make choices, go out on a limb. dont live in your past or your future, live in the moment. we all have our moments in life and im not trying to take the spotlight off of u. its your time to shine and you’re the one that needs the attention right now. but remember u cant always be the center of attention, other people need their feelings and life to be cared about too. im not mad anymore, nor am i sad. i jus needed some space to breathe last night.

and @ASHLEILOW, if u are reading this, sorry for putting u in the middle. i know its not fair and it can get a little awkward sometimes. i cant speak on his behalf but i can tell u this from my side, u are a great friend who has been thru a lot with @IpnotiQ. i jus wish he can see that and not throw u on the sidelines when hes having problems with someone else.

as i sit here recapping what went on tonight, i get blown away jus thinking about it. i cant believe this little situation blew up in to this huge thing. i think its about that time i really think about what is right and whats wrong for me in my life once again. i was so happy with myself and living the single life. no worries, problems, and/or drama. dont get me wrong or anything, i do enjoy your company and your friendship in my life. sometimes it jus get a little over board. moods swings, tempers, idk what u wanna call it but its not coo. ive been hurt so much in my past that i finally stood my ground and got over it. but sitting here i feel like the hole reopened and im digging myself deeper. i told myself never let anyone hurt me or walk all over me again. look at me now, hurt, mixed emotions, idk if i wanna cry out of sadness, madness, or what. but when it comes down to it i realize that im more mad at myself for letting this happen again. yup and idk if u are reading this or not but i do want u to know that i do care for u and i wish u the best. this might end our friendship but thats fine. we all have to live and learn right? well hopefully we can continue this friendship and not end on a sour note. i hate leaving things or ending friendships on bad terms. but thats all up to u i guess. idk why im even crying right now. ugh. well as of right now i jus want u to know that im willing to sit down as adults and talk about this. put everything out on the table and no holding anything back. im sorry for everything…

theres something that i wanted to share with u tonight but i dont know how to word it over text. i wanna share it with u and tell u about it but over the phone or in person. something that is personal and i think u should know about… nothing too bad or anything like that but it plays a big part in everything. when u have the time lemme know so i can open up to u about it.

so i havent blogged on any site since who knows when… but as i sit here tonight with all these thought running thru my head, i decided to jus let it all out. well let me begin by saying that im so stressed over someone that im not even dating right now. yah feelings grew between both of us and yah u know who u are. theres jus somethings that i dont understand about u. one is that u cant open up. i jus want u to open up and let me know how u really feel about everything. sometimes its hard to open up to people cuz u dont want them to judge u in any way. all im gonna say is that i cant hurt u anymore than u already been hurt. ive been thru it already and i told u about this so i know where youre coming from. dont think u are all alone with this cuz im here to support u in every way. no matter how much time u need to get over the past im still gonna  be here for u. i cant see why anyone would even put u thru all the bullshit uve been thru with him. let go and move on. yes i know its hard and it will hurt but in the end u will come out on top and be the better person. i see u go from happy to sad to mad in a matter of seconds. youre human, u have the right to have feelings even if it means u need to cry, laugh, talk, scream… what ever it may be. but its not fair to the people around u if u take it out on them.

secondly, comparing me to past relationships. everyone is not the same, if in the past u been treated like shit that doesnt mean i will do the same. lifes a gamble, u need to take risks. u will never know how good or bad u will be treated until u let that person in your life. over all i think what we have going on is all good in every way. i put u first even if u are jus a friend to me right now. i try my best  to make u the happiest person out there. it hurts me to see u sad about a bunch of bullshit. like i told u before people come and go in my life but no one has ever came into my life the way u did. theres jus something there i see in u that not many people have. u pretty much swept me off my feet. u may not believe it and as much as i tell myself nothing is gonna happen between us until u let go your past i cant help it. my friends even tell me that they havent seen me like this in such a long time. u say im part of the problem and that i cause u so much stress. maybe we should jus go our own separate ways so that wont hurt each other. if only u could see how much of a mess i am right now…

to be continued…